Updated: Nov 13, 2020
I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years since I last wrote on my blog. November of 2018.
As I reflect back now, I know there were only 2 main reasons that propelled me to go dark during that period of time.
One was my father, and the other was my husband.
He was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer earlier that year.
And listening to his oncologist tell him that he had at best 6 months to live if he didn’t do chemo, purely based on his age and statistics, did not sit well with me. Because I had been researching and studying cancer survivor cases for 2 years prior to that day during a period when I thought that maybe I had cancer.
And what I learned about cancer survival was that the number one common factor between all survivors was their will to live. Then came finding a doctor that believed you could be successfully treated. “Knowledge heals, ignorance kills”. Then there are numerous other factors like eating nutritious foods to maintain an effective immune system, exercising as comfortably as you can as well as mental and emotional practices that help with inner healing.
In the beginning, my father was all in. He wanted to live. So him and my mom both started making small changes with food and even tried meditation for the very 1st time. But it wasn’t long when they fell back into old habits.
And throughout this process I was their number one cheerleader and trying my best to guide them towards healthier choices. But it’s challenging when your parents don’t believe in what you’re advising them because of their old limiting beliefs. I’m still a child so I should know less. I’m just a mom and not a doctor. My parents had and still have no idea what I do for a career now. They don’t understand the concept of what it means to be an integrative life coach. Because it’s a profession that didn’t exist in their generation. Nor did they ever want to learn more about it.
So the only thing left for me to do was to pivot my own way of thinking. I’m a survivor. I don’t give up on life. And if I care about you, I don’t let you give up either. I have strong beliefs that have taken my own life challenges out of very dark places and transformed them to light. But what I learned on this journey with my father and my mother is that they are not me. And I am not them. So I pivoted my way of thinking. I was just going to show up and be the love and light they needed during this difficult time.
And so I took time off of my business, even though I was just starting to implement plans to take it to the next level. And I spent my father’s last couple of years just being available for him and my mother, bringing light and love to them each time.
But in addition to spending time with my father while he was alive, I was also in the midst of contemplating my own marriage of 24 years at the time.
Enter reason #2, the husband.
You see, I was on a major personal growth path when all of this started to happen.
I was finally feeling like the authentic me, and finally loving and living my life as me, as a mother, a daughter, a life coach, and living a lifestyle that felt healthy and fulfilling. Except for one part. And that one part was the struggle that I still had with being the caring, loving and best possible wife to my husband. It was a struggle because I was doing everything I knew how to do to make my marriage the best I could, but I didn’t feel like my husband was on the same page. Not with everything, but with a few things that had the heaviness as if carrying huge boulders on my shoulder. Making our ‘what could be an amazing, happy family life’ into one that had flaws. Big flaws. That didn’t need to be there.
And the funny thing is…. I would say that about 80-90% of the time, we were good. But that 10 or so % was so heavy, and negative, and overwhelming and exhausting that it weighed my entire being down. To a place that was very close to one I had felt before over the span of my life. Sad. Defeated. Angry. Depressed.
I had made a promise to myself after my 1st real encounter with depression almost 30 years ago now that I would never again let anyone or anything bring me down to a place like that again. Going through the motions and not feeling any emotion. Horrible. Debilitating.
Oh and the frustration I felt in our relationship. So frustrated because I couldn’t get him to be on the same vibration of living as me.
So we separated for 4 months. I was contemplating divorce. And although he didn’t like it, he also didn’t seem to be fighting too hard for our marriage.
But because of the work I do, my purpose, my passion, I was determined to make even this possible outcome (divorce) the least path of resistance for all of us. After all, how could I guide my clients to happiness and fulfillment and not practice on myself? It just didn’t sit well with me.
So for me, for him and for my children. I used every tool, every positive application to be civil and respectful to one another, I presented ideas of harmony to him in which he agreed, and I made sure that we were at least on the same page when it came to the well being of our children, while him and I worked out our ‘stuff’.
I started seeing a therapist in the anticipation that an inevitable divorce would be really hard on me, emotionally.
I was still practicing self care.
I was at a good place. And although I knew I was enough, I also knew that my relationship wasn’t enough. And I was afraid my husband didn’t think he was enough. Because he wasn’t fighting for us.
But then things started to change.
In that 4 month timeframe, we even went on a family vacation to Hawaii that I had planned prior to our separation. And honestly, I can say it was one of our best vacations. Because now we were acting more like friends again than hurt lovers. And when he did or said something I didn’t like, I simply removed myself away from the situation before it got out of hand.
I was content being by myself. Because I had finally learned how to love myself.
I had made a choice that I no longer was going to tolerate the way he spoke to me when he was upset. If he would not speak with a friend or even a stranger that way, then why should I tolerate him speaking with me that way?
No. Just no.
I had learned that all of my life, I had accepted bullying words from my family since a young age. I had accepted my family’s lack of trust or interest in who I was, lack of support in any endeavors I had and a serious lack of appreciation for all that I do for everyone.
I no longer accepted any of that. Because I learned who I was at my core. And I didn’t need validation or acceptance from anyone else but myself.
I was finally living my life as the best version of myself. Yes, I know it’s cliche, but when you are, you’ll know what I’m talking about.
And when you do, the relationships you have around you naturally become better. Because you’re better.
So it wasn’t until my husband understood that, and knew that he wanted it for himself, too, that we were able to transform and grow our relationship. To the next level.
Now we are both living at a higher vibration of life. More love. More harmony. More flow. More wealth. More joy. More quality of life.
This is what I had envisioned a long time ago. I just couldn’t figure out how to get us there back then. And almost gave up. On our marriage. On the dream. On everything.
But now I know.
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With much love,